far

I am sitting here thinking about how it was less than a few days ago that I was writing and rewriting how the seventh would be hard.

I was entering a week trying to remain not distracted, so I could fully process my emotions.

Then my sister got hit by a car. and my grandfather was put in the hospital. my dog was going to the vet agggaaain and I was just trying to make it a few more days at work before I could drive home. But chaos (read: life) kept happening.

I sat in the bathroom one night completely overwhelmed and just cried

But I made it. I kept three promises with me-- there was a place in heaven for me, for caitlin, for those I love (John 14), that he will not abandon me when I cry (Psalm 31), and that darkness is not darkness to the Lord, but light (Pslam 139).

So I kept my head down and the prayers/pleas for help consistent.

My dad got to the keys and we started our riveting 17 hour drive home.

but around hour 4 we got the call.

Frank would not be there when we got home.

He was called to somewhere better, higher, healthier, joyful, and far.

I was lost for words.

Our car got a little more humid.

and I am sitting here now, 5 days out, wondering how I didn't immediately scream out of anger, I was rightfully allowed to feel angry. I had just fought through the first week of August, were we really going to keep that momentum? No break?

and I think my saving grace is that I am still in denial and I think that is why I am not so upset. I know the truths. I know that where he is, even though it's not with me, it is better for him BY FAR.

I know that he loved me so deeply. I could never articulate the love he showed me, the ways he served me, the memories he made with me.

But I sit here wondering, will this side of heaven remain this way?

Will I constantly ache for those who got early admissions into our forever home?

I miss my best friend immensely. I feel a huge part of me is no longer here but there. but this is not the end, I am far from it.